Bread Crumbs: ALWAYS UP FOR A PARTY?

I worked with a woman who seemed desperate to do a lot of nothing. Her family hired me to "keep her active." They were distressed that she was “giving up.”  When I visited, she was blandly disinterested in whatever I suggested. The house was always immaculate, the TV was always on - but the only thing she watched with interest was The Dog Whisperer.

She was a different person when any of her family stopped by – animated and eager to please – agreeing with whatever they suggested. When they left, I would prompt her to follow their latest suggestion. “Not today,” she would say. “I’m too tired.” It quickly became clear to me that she had no intention of fulfilling her family’s desire for her to act younger than she felt. She only made that effort when they fulfilled her hunger for their company.



When she developed a serious, persistent intestinal problem that caused dehydration, she was hospitalized, then sent to a continuing care center to recover. When her medical problems cleared up, the family prepared to return her to her home but she told them she was fine where she was. During a visit to her in the care center, I asked if she were getting ready to go back home. “No thanks,” she said. “I don't need to be a cook and housekeeper at my age." Bingo!

Aging changes can be subtle and unwelcome – especially the diminution of energy and stamina. In the midst of their procreativity and their most income-productive years, our middle-aged children remember us as energetic parents and may resist seeing or accepting the changes in us. We hear, “Oh, come on! You were always up for a party!” when we decline an invitation. If we make the effort to look good physically, they may find it hard to believe that we’re tired and our joints hurt. Sometimes they pressure us, intentionally or unintentionally - “for your own good” - to be what they want us to be rather than who our bodies allow us to be as we age. It’s hard to admit, let alone convince others, that we really want to slow down, watch the world rush by, and smell the roses.

“Being independent,” elders sideline and isolate themselves, falling victim to the miasma of loneliness and feelings of uselessness.  This woman would not ask for what she really wanted - a quiet, peripheral place in her son’s happy, busy family home, the entertainment of watching her beloveds run their lives,  a daily “Good Morning!” a place at the table, a few helpful tasks to do, and a kiss goodnight. She was afraid the answer might be “no” and that would be worse than not asking. Her excitement when they visited deceived them as to her mental state, but her non-compliant passivity bespoke her authentic aging realities.

O    If family members all discuss, maintain and respect their evolving authenticities through the years instead of succumbing to old roles and expectations, more win-win arrangements might be possible.


Always Up for a Party by Abby Freeborn is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License. For permission to use contact randmxcentric@gmail.com