Parenting: THE THREE Rs

When I was struggling through my teen rebellions with authoritarian parents there were certain things I vowed never to say to my kids. When we would have our power struggles, my parents both had a low tolerance for “back talk.” I wanted to have what I considered reasoned negotiations, but after the third exchange I would hear, “Because I say so.”  “Because I am your mother.” “I’m the parent, and what I say goes.” “Say one more thing and you’re grounded.”  ARRRRRRGH! The frustration when they would pull rank! I promised myself that I would not serve that gritty dish to my children. And I didn’t.

I raised my kids on the Three Rs: Respect, Responsibility and Ridiculosity.

Respect for one’s self and others I knew had to be modeled, not simply preached. My respect for my children meant that when I required something of them, I explained why it was being required as I would have to an adult. Often they were offered a choice among some interesting alternatives. Often they would ask to negotiate the timing of their compliance.

“You know Dad won’t enjoy coming home to this stuff all over the living room. We could fill a trash can and take this stuff to Goodwill, or we could have the neighbors in for a giveaway party, or we could clean up this room and you could take your stuff up to your rooms before he gets home. Your choice.”

“Okaaaaay, we’ll clean up, but can we finish this game first?”

“Dad will be home in half an hour and that game goes on forever. How ‘bout if I set the timer for 10 minutes and you stop long enough to clean up the room, then you can play till dinner. But remember, anything you pile on the stairs becomes mine.”

“But we can still buy it back, right?”

“Right. But you better check your IOUs or your next allowance may be a nickle.”
Responsibility for one’s self, one’s environment, and to one another as members of the family and our various communities (neighborhood, work, school, summer camp, etc.) was taught/modeled as how we help make the world a better place.

Ridiculosity? Our thoughts and/or behavior are ridiculous at least once a day, so it’s best not to take ourselves too seriously. A sense of humor is very helpful in dealing with life’s insecurities and mess-ups. It lightens up our dailys and adds a different perspective to our quandaries.

These principles were reinforced during the decade plus that we were involved in a Quaker summer camp community that promoted serious wilderness challenge skills and engaged purposefully in creative ridiculocity. The camp director, Barry Morley, called it serious silliness. He specialized in paradox, other examples of which may be found in The Kitchen Sink under the title Catoxymorons.

These experiences may be why my daughter and son-in-law - both involved in environmental protection and restoration careers - dance and do karaoke with their kids, and why my son and daughter-in-law - both in middle school educational careers - have engaged in serious silliness on the spur of any moment throughout their personal and professional lives, and why I feel validated when my grandchildren call me silly.


The Three Rs by Abby Freeborn is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License. For permission to use contact randmxcentric@gmail.com