Bread Crumbs: GRIEVING THE LIVING

Christmas, a season that emphasizes family gatherings, may be especially difficult for those who are grieving the living.

My friend, a spiritually grounded apostate, got a letter from her born-again daughter disowning their relationship and forbidding my friend any contact with her or her family of two beloved teenaged grandchildren and her son-in-law.

Another friend lost her son to drugs and yet another grieves loss of contact with highly successful children who have moved far away, make no effort to stay in touch, and chat only briefly when she calls them.

A couple I’ve known since we started raising our kids together nurtures their two adult sons who are marginally making it because of mental health issues.

I myself grieved the end of a marriage – the triple loss of a parenting partner, a once friendly and intimate relationship, and a social role. As in my first friend’s case, divorcees too may lose beloved family members and friends - people who “don’t want to take sides” or don’t know how to handle a “third wheel” in their social scene.

Bread Crumbs: HELP FROM OVER YONDER

I sat with my sister-in-law, a woman in her forties, as she succumbed to uterine cancer. During this final transition, I fussed about trying to help, washing her face, giving her sips of water or a bit of Popsicle to clear the taste each time her body purged. She suddenly stood up from her La-Z-Boy.  I rose to steady her but she barked at me impatiently, "Ab, you've got to let me go!" 
 
She rearranged herself in her chair and cried out, "HELP me!"  She wasn’t talking to me. Then she said "Okay" and paused with her eyes closed, “okay,” pause, “okay,” four times - each “okay” more calm, more determined than the last. And then she was gone. ‘Though her body still purged, I sensed the moment she left.

Bread Crumbs: EDITORIAL BY ROBERT LOVE

Executive Editor of THE WEEK: The Best of the US and International Media; All You Need to Know About Everything That Matters, November 11, 2011, Volume 11, Issue 540, WWW.THEWEEK.COM

THE WEEK“Oh wow. Oh wow. Oh wow.” These were Steve Jobs’ last words before he slipped the bonds of earth on October 5, 2011. We know this because we heard it from his sister, the writer, Mona Simpson, who was with him in his final hours and described them in an eloquent eulogy published this week in the New York Times (...). Like the rest of us, Simpson had no idea what Jobs was seeing when he uttered his last words, but she invites us to ponder their meaning in the context of his life. She speaks of her brother’s “capacity for wonderment,” and his last words seem apt and authentic for an enthusiast given to phrases like “insanely great.” It is tantalizing to think that in his final moments of consciousness, Jobs was privy to a wondrous vision of the other side. Maybe he beheld a beckoning mist, as Emily Dickinson did: “I must go in, the fog is rising.” Or the “shifting sands” seen by writer L.Frank Baum, who wished to cross over to the Land of Oz. Thomas Edison, to whom Jobs was often compared, said of his final destination, “It is very beautiful over there.”

We value last words for their honesty, their wit, their advice from eternity’s doorstep. Once in a while we get a grand summation, as we did from Errol Flynn: “I’ve had a hell of a lot of fun and I’ve enjoyed every minute.” Or an adieu, per Lord Byron: Now I shall go to sleep. Good night.” George Harrison left us with five simple syllables: “Love one another.” Oh wow. In the end we will find out what Steve jobs was talking about. Meanwhile its somehow comforting to know that he was impressed.

Bread Crumbs: ALWAYS UP FOR A PARTY?

I worked with a woman who seemed desperate to do a lot of nothing. Her family hired me to "keep her active." They were distressed that she was “giving up.”  When I visited, she was blandly disinterested in whatever I suggested. The house was always immaculate, the TV was always on - but the only thing she watched with interest was The Dog Whisperer.

She was a different person when any of her family stopped by – animated and eager to please – agreeing with whatever they suggested. When they left, I would prompt her to follow their latest suggestion. “Not today,” she would say. “I’m too tired.” It quickly became clear to me that she had no intention of fulfilling her family’s desire for her to act younger than she felt. She only made that effort when they fulfilled her hunger for their company.

Bread Crumbs: ANY TIME YOU THINK OF ME

My friend Tommy had come home in the spring of his first year of college with blinding headaches. When I went to visit him, his Mom told me he had a brain tumor. I asked her if it could be removed and she replied that they were Christian Scientist and many were praying for his recovery.. I prayed too and visited every couple of weeks all summer. When I came home from college for Christmas break, I found him optimistic but so weakened that his main exercise was squeezing a tennis ball. He had pain medication but there would be no surgery. Back at college, I was busy and his Mom said he did not like to talk on the phone, so I stopped calling.

Bread Crumb: THE LAST EMPOWERMENT

We all knew Mom was dying of lung cancer. When we arrived for the family reunion that she had billed as a prelude to my youngest brother’s wedding. we found her sitting on the porch of her island home looking out over the water, smoking and sipping her wine. (“No sense quitting now!”) Mom’s siblings, who hadn’t spoken in years, had put aside their hostilities and were bustling about, being helpful, cracking family jokes, and trotting out their different versions of family events. Those three days were amazing - more fun than we’d had together in years!