My friend, a spiritually grounded apostate, got a letter from her born-again daughter disowning their relationship and forbidding my friend any contact with her or her family of two beloved teenaged grandchildren and her son-in-law.
Another friend lost her son to drugs and yet another grieves loss of contact with highly successful children who have moved far away, make no effort to stay in touch, and chat only briefly when she calls them.
A couple I’ve known since we started raising our kids together nurtures their two adult sons who are marginally making it because of mental health issues.
I myself grieved the end of a marriage – the triple loss of a parenting partner, a once friendly and intimate relationship, and a social role. As in my first friend’s case, divorcees too may lose beloved family members and friends - people who “don’t want to take sides” or don’t know how to handle a “third wheel” in their social scene.
Widows and widowers suffer many of the same isolating factors, but they have a social status, a social name, a social recognition, a social acceptance. Those who grieve the dead often experience continued sympathy and comfort from family members and friends. For those who grieve the living there are no funerals - no cards, no flowers, no visits or casseroles, and no finality – in short very little social support.
A lost relationship is seen as a failure and labels like “disowned parent,” “empty-nester,” and “divorcee” seldom evoke the sympathy or carry the social dignity granted a widower, a widow or bereaved parents. Folks are often embarrassed and hesitant to speak of the loss of a living loved one for fear of opening a wound or not knowing what to say. This may be also because they think the bereaved played a part in causing the loss.
Unlike those who grieve the dead, those who grieve the living face the challenge of being expected to be at least civil on the subsequent occasions when co-parenting, graduations, weddings and funerals bring them face to face with the living person whom they have lost. On seeing “the departed” again, strange mixed and awkward feelings may arise, the agony of the loss may be re-stimulated and there can be a painful titillation of hope or regret. They may also be involved in ongoing monetary responsibilities - child support, the cost of a requested visit, payments for drug rehab and medical bills, etc. - that complicate efforts to move on physically, socially, or psychologically.
O There is often a chronic lack of closure to the distress of those who grieve the living and very little social support. Do you know someone who needs a hug, an invitation to dinner, or just a phone call?
Grieving the Living by Abby Freeborn is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License. For permission to use contact randmxcentric@gmail.com
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