I had no idea what he was talking about. I thought I was just emphasizing something important. I did think of him as responsible and thought I was just giving him a reminder.
As I was getting into bed that night, I saw the message machine blinking so I pressed the play button. I smiled, happily reliving our conversation until the part about the vehicle registration when there it was – “that tone of voice.” It did indeed sound like I did not trust him to do the job.
I called him immediately to play him that segment and acknowledge that I now knew what he meant. I told him I really did trust his ability to take care of business and would welcome his correcting me whenever outdated parental doubt or concern crept into my intent to simply inform his competence. Motherhood is a terminal illness that you get from your kids and from which you never totally recover. I bless that telephone answering machine for the lesson it enabled!
As a therapist I asked couples and families for permission to tape them if/when they got into one of their usual frustrating fight cycles. At the end of the session I would give them the tape, suggesting they bring it to the next session for analysis. As I expected, they listened to it before they returned and brought it back shaking their heads and telling me what they had learned about themselves in fight mode. As they listened to themselves, they learned more than I could have explained to them. Some of them even made taping their fights a useful self-management tool at home.
That Tone of Voice by Abby Freeborn is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License. For permission to use contact randmxcentric@gmail.com
Maybe we all need to think about recording conversations with children occasionally, especially when they are grown.
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