Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts

Thursday, October 4, 2012

The Politics of ALOHA


Even before Barack Obama was sworn into office in 2009, the “Birthers” had raised this country’s awareness that there was something different about our new President beyond the obvious. Their claim was ill-founded, but they were right to some extent. President Barack Obama was raised in the Hawaiian Islands that comprise our 50th state. Many who live in the continental United States insist, not without cause perhaps, that he is a foreigner. Indeed, some U.S. citizens have asked me ask what language we speak in Hawai`i and some U.S. tourists ask Hawai`i residents if they’ve ever been in “the states.” This is not mere folly. The island culture of Hawai`i is quite different from that of the continental United States. As a Caucasian transplant to Hawai`i, living and working among ethnic Hawaiians for 16 years, I offer a hard-earned experiential understanding of some reasons why Obama is such an enigma for so many of his countrymen.  

Stranger in a Strange Land
Obama embodies a lifestyle that is, in fact, foreign to most of the people of the continental United States.  Although he moved to the continent as a young man, I submit that he continues to manifest what Hawaiians know as aloha in his world view and modus operandi - even in the vitriolic environments of American politics. It would do us no harm to gain an understanding of aloha and how it influences Obama’s policies and governing style. That exercise would add another dimension to our evaluations of the purposes and effectiveness of his performance. Is aloha in the White House an asset or a liability?

“Aloha” has as many connotations as “Love.” Parsing the word, "Alo" is "front," "presence," "face;" and "ha" is the breath of the spirit. We might paraphrase it literally as “spirit presence”- a respectful, open-hearted way to greet someone, bid them farewell, or to court a beloved.  While modern Hawaiians greet with kisses as other cultures do, Hawaiian traditionalists express aloha with "honi" in which two people put brows and noses together, inhaling and exhaling , sharing one another's breath of the spirit.  Honi can be very brief or, in deep friendships, a longer, more intimate exchange of spiritual energy. Nonetheless, because of how and when the word is used, it is usually understood as “hello”, “goodbye,” or “love.”

Aloha Is Cooperative
But aloha is not simply a word; it is an intrinsic island mindset, an island way of life that predates contact with Christian ideologies brought by the missionaries in the 1820s. Hawai`i’s aloha stems from the Polynesian temperament and traditions of most of the South Pacific island nations. Polynesian ancestors voyaged among all the Pacific Islands of the Polynesian Triangle (New Zealand, Hawai`i and Easter Island) and even to the North American continent on double hulled sailing canoes. As voyagers, their acute powers of observation and attention to details in their natural environment enabled Polynesians to navigate by traditional indigenous methods of wayfinding through a trackless, unpredictable, and unforgiving sea.

Constantly adjusting the canoe’s course, sails, and lashings to changes in winds and waves bred strength, humility, gratitude, and a great respect for natural forces and processes as they worked tirelessly to achieve harmony, safety, and success with primal elements.

What they learned as they adapted their minds and bodies to long voyages, is that change is a constant, traditional wisdom is sacred, knowledge is survival, sensitive attention is crucial, tolerance and forgiveness are essential, and no decision or set of sails is appropriate to all circumstances.  Pragmatically, when you have to share a canoe, or later, small bits of land in the middle of a vast ocean, with other people, whether you like them or not, you know that co-operation and stewardship of resources are matters of survival. That may be why one Hawaiian friend explained the core values of aloha as respect, responsibility, and obligation.

Hawaiians seldom define or discuss aloha. They teach by example and demonstration. The children learn both skills and aloha by observation, participation, and being corrected when they err. Thus the habits of aloha are absorbed viscerally, un-self-consciously. This makes for a lifestyle of great subtlety based in a sensitive, subconscious mind-set that is first and foremost relational. You know that you cannot control others, but you can offer your best so as to avoid making others uncomfortable or creating enemies. Once a word is spoken it cannot be unsaid and words can do irreparable harm to relationships. Therefore, you approach all people with respect, warmth, openness and hospitality, trusting that they too live aloha. If they respond with belligerence, you know you have to focus on the aloha before you'll get anywhere with them. Compromise is a given as you instinctively and persistently work toward win-win solutions, knowing that anything less will come back as a problem, or, worse, endanger the entire enterprise.  But the captain’s sacred trust is to mind the safety of his canoe and his crew so even compromise has that tacit limit.  

The Hawaiian archipelago is blessed with rich volcanic soil and an hospitable climate year ‘round that provide an abundance of nature’s edibles and create a culture of generosity.  Before the days of sugar plantations and the exponential growth of rapid transportation in the last century, the islands’ resources were plentiful. They were both augmented by and limited by their ocean boundaries, and were preserved under sound stewardship. Resources were systematically shared, with careful deliberation about collateral damage and long-term consequences. There were times every year when the reefs were not to be fished so that the fish would be plentiful for the rest of the year. The royals taxed their people in produce. Since land was not owned but awarded by the king, a chief could lose his tenure if he was not a successful steward or hoarded his bounty. As with voyaging, this situation required great attention to the forces and cycles of nature so as to work with them and maximize productivity. Hawaiians speak of this as aloha aina, a spiritual relationship with the land. It has very practical ramifications.

The Hawaiian word for “foreign,” “foreigner,” or “introduced” is haole. Ole” is the word for “no” or “none.” Coupled with “ha,” it designates someone or something that does not share the spirit. In Hawai`i, the Polynesian spirit of aloha has been augmented by Oriental traditions of humility and respect brought by the first immigrant laborers to the sugar plantations. Those cultures blended well. But since the early days of contact with western Europeans and Americans the word haole has come to refer specifically to Caucasians. Given our conquest of the islands and the indigenous population, it usually has a decidedly negative connotation.  But, in spite of how relentlessly we haoles have colonized and commercialized the Hawaiian Islands, often compromising precious resources, the culture of aloha is still discernible, available and adoptable by those whose spirits are receptive. You do not have to be of Hawaiian blood to be “Hawaiian at heart.” The young children of Hawai`i have been taught to include haoles and visitors of all ethnicities in their aloha by addressing even unfamiliar adults as “Auntie” or “Uncle” – a manifestation of the indigenous understanding that we humans are all related, all interdependent – all family.

Capitalism Is Competitive
In contrast, most Americans are used to the vast resources of a whole continent, resources rich enough to support the expansive and competitive enterprises and lifestyles of our capitalistic economic culture. We feel free to use our resources willy-nilly, with no pressing need to think of collateral damage and long term consequences. No wonder some scoff at Obama's efforts at stewardship, at his habit of listening to disparate points of view, at how long he takes to make decisions, at how he changes his mind as new information becomes available or an unforeseen consequence rears its head. He acts as if we are indeed our brothers' keeper, as if everybody deserves a fair shake and a fair share, as if we’re all in this canoe together. Some Americans, especially our impatient 24/7 media, see him as dithering, waffling, lying, breaking promises and ineffective. The truth of this is in the eye of the beholder, but Obama is acting from the aloha that shapes his personal integrity and intellect as he struggles to meet a veritable parade of crises. He must serve many masters with an eye to long-term consequences, political realities, global interests and natural forces that he cannot control, while always protecting and promoting our national interests and security. He must do so while constantly being advised, analyzed, critiqued, criticized, misunderstood and/or deliberately misrepresented by some of the quarrelsome folks whom he seeks to serve.  

The Disconnect
Those of a competitive, entrepreneurial/capitalist mind-set are particularly frustrated by Obama’s unfamiliar style of governance. The kindest of them find him too nuanced, too intellectual, too naïve; others see him as weak and deviating dangerously from their business needs and ideals or as disappointing their ultra-liberal aspirations. But as more and more of our lives have become globalized, as nations of the world have become more and more politically and economically interdependent, might not Obama's intrinsic, relational aloha provide an appropriate base from which to assess and attend to the needs of our nation, our global interconnectedness, our neighbors, and our planet? Isolationism is impossible in today’s hyperlinked world and we see daily lessons that unmitigated competition is unsustainable, but we are slow to learn.

As Obama calls for civility, common sense, bipartisanship, stewardship, and right sharing of resources, culturally aware Hawaiians can recognize his work as analogous to that of the captain and navigator of a small canoe on a constantly stormy ocean. We are indeed one nation among many on our small blue planet in this vast universe, and we have a proud and fractious crew in our canoe! Hawaiians can sympathize, in amazement perhaps, when they see the leader of our great nation assaulted by slanderous disrespect, entrenched special interests, histrionic rhetoric and intransigent positions that lack the cooperative, husbanding principles of aloha. We continentals do have our own versions of caring for one another that surface in times of natural disaster or community projects and flavor some of our more cohesive neighborhoods and many of our farms, but as a culture we usually assume and uplift private interests and individual freedoms over community needs and obligations.  

Change or Be Changed
Because the planet, our interconnected international politics and our interdependent global economies are manifesting unpredictable changes that are disrupting our assumptions, our property, and our very way of living, it is becoming apparent that we simply must be involved with one another in mutually beneficial ways or our separate failures will drag our global economic and social infrastructures down to ruin. We find ourselves over and over again sharing resources asymmetrically in response to present or imminent local and global catastrophes. With so many of our companies spread around the globe, pulling back to take care of ourselves in isolation would be impossible. If there is no turning back and calling everyone home, would a more proactive and planful approach to this global enmeshment be more effective and preventive and less expensive than our present, reactive, crisis by crisis approach?

As a global leader, captain and navigator of the lead canoe, Obama”s cultural background of aloha reinforces the personal convictions that motivate him to act in ways that encourage other nations and leaders to take on a greater share of responsibility. This has been his stance regarding the wars he inherited in Iraq and Afghanistan and what he has done with Libya. He strives to take the bully out of the bully pulpit, has relaxed some of our intrusive tendencies, and required other first-world nations, the UN and NATO to take on the privileges and costs of global leadership. He must also work unduly hard to get our overly-politicized  Legislature to work on the nation’s well-being instead of playing partisan brinksmanship. He persists in working on this “step up and cooperate” strategy, much to the confusion and frustration of those who don’t understand and/or don’t see the writing on the wall about the need for changes in the way we operate at home and abroad - especially those who fear losing our grip on world dominance or their jobs in the Legislature.   

Peace Work
Hawai`i has the world’s most ethnically diverse and racially mixed population successfully sharing small bits of land in the midst of the world’s largest ocean and making public jokes about racial stereotypes. Getting along takes work and we work at it. We offer aloha to members of all branches of the armed services even as we protest against the increasing militarization of our precious island acres.  Although one of our major religions objects, we deplore gay-bashing and seek civil rights for gay, lesbian, bi-sexual and transgendered folks. In gestures of apology and forgiveness, Japanese tourists, transported on American tour boats, drop flower leis on the sunken wreckage of the USS Arizona and there is a shared memorial to our tragic sinking of the Japanese fishing school’s Ehime Maru at a waterfront park in Honolulu. Solemn bells are tolled at the yearly commemoration of the bombing of Hiroshima and Nagasaki as observed by silent multi-ethnic participants. Since 1976 we have been reaffirming our once denigrated Polynesian culture as a growing fleet of voyaging canoes sails among the many Pacific Island nations. In a year or two, the Polynesian Voyaging Society’s Hokule`a will undertake a voyage of peace to carry aloha around the world.

Few Hawaiian locals are aware of how different is their assumptive world until they go to the continental United States or other countries that do not manifest aloha and notice something missing or different.  That is often the first time that their implicit customs become explicit in their lives. With and without his conscious intention, Obama manifests this cooperative, peace-making island heritage.

Hawai`i’s subtle culture of aloha is totally unique, as omnipresent, as subliminal, as fluid as the sea that engenders it. It is no wonder that Obama brings his family back to Hawai`i every year. Because I crave it myself, I venture that Obama’s spirit needs that dose of aloha to sustain him and help him be President of all of the people of the United States and a leader in a world in which diversity is the norm. Obama has embraced the racial identity of an African American, but he is, in fact, a bi-racial, bi-national product of Hawai`i and its culture of aloha.  


But Can It Work?
This multifaceted aloha, then, is the “foreign” quality that Obama brings to the Presidency that so often baffles, disappoints, and frustrates people of the continental United States. And, like it or not, understand it or not, we’re stuck with aloha in the White House for now. Is that a good thing or disaster? Do we want it or will we reject it? Indeed, can it survive? Shall we work “no holds barred” to get rid of Obama, as many pledge to do, or shall we send him Legislators who understand cooperation and compromise? In a little more than a year aloha could be gone from the White House. Will we have gained anything, lost anything, learned anything from it?  A thinking electorate matters more that the most eloquent speech. What do you think?


The Politics of Aloha by Abby Freeborn is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License. To view a copy of this license, visit http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/3.0/ or send a letter to Creative Commons, 444 Castro Street, Suite 900, Mountain View, California, 94041, USA. For permission to use, contact myfrenab@yahoo.com

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Parenting: GUILT TRIPS

Power struggles between teenagers and their parents take many forms. My children knew that the "when" of performing family responsibilities was negotiable but that the "what" and "why" were relatively fixed. Until adolescence they were generally very co-operative. At that point, my son's bid  for autonomy took the form of long, creative arguments about the rationality of my leadership and the necessity for his capitulation vis-a-vis family responsibilities. He wanted to insist on "win-win" solutions so was usually amenable to compromise, although I was often characterized as a social dinosaur. (More about those interesting encounters later in a separate post.)

My daughter was a cheerful, helpful child until she also reached that developmental stage of "addled essence" when the underlying issue of her autonomy became more important than the overt task at hand. On those occasions what she wanted was to have her way, be in charge of her life. She wanted to win. That perhaps subconscious want was probably intensified as a result of years of being under her older brother's thumb as well as mine. She was conflicted, however, because she was basically a wise, rational, loving and obedient human being who hated conflict and emotional confrontations.

Her last stand, if I asked her to do one of her chores or help me around the house when she wanted to go out with her friends (a standing preference) and she felt the negotiation was not going her way, was to accuse me of trying to send her on guilt trips. Knowing that I tried to be a reasonable, flexible parent and as fair as possible, she would try to use that against me to make me feel guilty by blaming me for the guilt she felt for being defiant rather than reasonable and not following her own higher instincts of parental respect and pulling her weight at home. She was clearly bidding for at least a pyrrhic victory in the end by implying that I was being devious and unfair - a bad parent. I understood her struggles, but did not accept responsibility for the pain her conscience was giving her. 

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Poetry: FLAT CHAMPAGNE


Sunday, when we were together,
The energy of our connections
Bubbled like champagne.

But Monday we looked at the bottle,
Read the label and wondered:
Is this stuff good for us?

We re-corked the bottle - to save the
Effervescence - but it didn’t work.
By Tuesday, the fizz was gone.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

GUEST BLOG by SGT. SHERRILL on the CENTRAL ASIA INSTITUTE'S BLOG


In this season when we anticipate the birth of the Prince of Peace, this heartfelt poem by Sgt Sherrill expresses my own hope for the work that is going on in Afghanistan below the drones with the next generation - children so eager to learn and grow in whatever direction they are bent. What kind of education are they getting about the United States? Will the Central Asia Institute, Women for Afghan Women, other NGOs and the Sgt Sherrills of our military presence prevail or will the messages of the Taliban and our drones win the next generation? How will you participate in the outcome?


Behind the Wall
by Sgt. M. Douglas Sherrill, Jr.

I hear the voices behind the wall,...

Parenting: THAT TONE OF VOICE

On one of the calls my son made from college, I was a bit late in picking up the phone and, unbeknownst to either of us, the upstairs answering machine recorded the whole conversation. We chatted amiably about this and that and then I remembered that I had sent him vehicle registration papers that he needed to fill out and return by a certain date. As I told him this news, he said, “There you go again with that tone of voice, Mom,” a frequent complaint. And I protested as usual, “What tone of voice?” “That 'gotta make sure my kid handles this' parent tone of voice that says you don't trust me.” 

I had no idea what he was talking about. I thought I was just emphasizing something important. I did think of him as responsible and thought I was just giving him a reminder.

As I was getting into bed that night, I saw the message machine blinking so I pressed the play button. I smiled, happily reliving our conversation until the part about the vehicle registration when there it was – “that tone of voice.” It did indeed sound like I did not trust him to do the job.

Gitalongs: ANGST REFINED

He came in the front door with a cheery “Hello!” looking spiffy in his business suit. His kids, wife, and I responded in kind. He set his brief case on a chair in the hall and came into the kitchen. In the space of one minute, he crossed the kitchen to his wife at the stove, gave her a noisy kiss, raised the cover on a simmering pot (“Ummm that smells wonderful!”), crossed the kitchen again to kiss me, said “Stay for supper. Be back soon,” and went upstairs.

When he came down 20 minutes later, he was dressed in casuals. We called the kids to dinner and had random conversation with them about the kids’ day at school and my friend's and my work in our gardens. After dinner, the kids were excused to do their homework. My friend said, “Abby and I were talking about all of us taking a trip to the Eastern Shore tomorrow.”

Oh, I'm sorry,” came his response, “but we have other commitments.”

“We do?” she asked, puzzled.

Bread Crumbs: GRIEVING THE LIVING

Christmas, a season that emphasizes family gatherings, may be especially difficult for those who are grieving the living.

My friend, a spiritually grounded apostate, got a letter from her born-again daughter disowning their relationship and forbidding my friend any contact with her or her family of two beloved teenaged grandchildren and her son-in-law.

Another friend lost her son to drugs and yet another grieves loss of contact with highly successful children who have moved far away, make no effort to stay in touch, and chat only briefly when she calls them.

A couple I’ve known since we started raising our kids together nurtures their two adult sons who are marginally making it because of mental health issues.

I myself grieved the end of a marriage – the triple loss of a parenting partner, a once friendly and intimate relationship, and a social role. As in my first friend’s case, divorcees too may lose beloved family members and friends - people who “don’t want to take sides” or don’t know how to handle a “third wheel” in their social scene.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Gitalongs: SELFISH ALTRUISM

When my father informed me that altruism was actually selfish, I was horrified!  He maintained that the only reason we do nice things for others is out of duty or to make ourselves feel good. It took me years to admit that, indeed, when I am intuitively and spontaneously pleasant and generous it’s because I like being that way. It makes me feel better to be that way. It makes me happy to see other people happy. My life is easier, more pleasant.

Is this realism or cynicism? I reluctantly concede that perhaps Dad had a point. Maybe the closest we can come to the total altruism of giving up our life for another -  as on a cross or the Titanic, or in military combat - is Enlightened Self-Interest? Are we only doing good to do well?

Saturday, December 3, 2011

About Me: A MATTER OF MORELS

When I would explain to my 16 or 17 year old “children” something I thought they must do, or why I thought things “needed” to be done my way, my son would hear me out and then say, “Got it covered, Mom.” or “Don't worry, Mom, you raised me right, and now I get to decide this one.” or “Gotta trust your parenting, Mom.” When her turn came three years later, my daughter would say: “Mom, do I need to hear this?” or “I'm sorry you’re still having a problem on this, Mom, but I'm not worried about it, so you don't have to be either.” or “It’s just not my problem, Mom. Good luck working it out.”

I’d have been grounded for weeks had I addressed my parents in that manner! But my kids weren't being insolent. These things were said with quiet self-confidence and sincere, sometimes amused compassion and tolerance for the difficulty I was experiencing in letting go of my “parental entitlement” to meet their childhood “need for guidance." Wasn’t it my privilege and my responsibility to nurture them with advice? Mothering was a role I enjoyed and that I knew needed to be phased out at some point, but my kids were understandably more aware of the step by step process than I. They were usually gentle with me, but firm. We all knew I still had ultimate veto power but because they were responsible kids I seldom felt the need to use it.

Parenting: UNTYING APRON STRINGS

Instead of actually “cutting the apron strings,” my kids gently and firmly, even lovingly, helped me untie them. With love and good humor, they persistently peeled my single-parent mothering off their backs. For about three years each, they worked on developing new relationships with me. I did my best to reciprocate. Having insisted on and modeled mutual respect since small kid days, I was still able to put my foot down on occasions when I felt that the price of their bid for self-determination was too high, but only after very thorough discussions. If I regressed into intrusive “parental entitlements," they were sure to remind me that pulling rank was not how we did things..

One of our more difficult win-win solutions came the first year my daughter had her license. She wanted to drive some friends to a New Year’s Eve Party in my car. She was an excellent driver, a very responsible person, no highways would be involved, and she promised to have only two beers in the four hours she'd be there. I was concerned that she would be distracted by rowdy, drunken friends or hit by someone else on this night of drinking. I was scared silly for her safety and told her why. She heard and understood my concern and we worked on it together, both explicitly aware that my trust in her honesty and good judgement was the bedrock for her growing freedoms.

Poetry: GIFT


 

I would give you strength,

But you are too strong already.

Then let me give you of my weakness,

That you may rest a moment from your earnestness,

Lean against the walls you build, and play with river lights.


A poem written by my grandmother, Florence Mariah Piper Way to her husband, Charles Henry Way.

During the depression, my grandfather, an architect out of work, cleared his fields of boulders and rocks and built over a mile of mortarless rock walls around his fields and garden. I wonder if this poem was written in reference to his labors or his quiet reticence.

Creative Commons License GIFT a poem by Florence Mariah Piper Way (1880-1952) is published by Abby Freeborn and licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License. For permission to use contact randmxcentric@gmail.com

Da Kine Stories: HAWAIIAN METAMORPHOSIS

During the 16 years I lived and worked in Hawai’i during the 1990s, I observed many of my Hawaiian friends, acquaintances, and people I met in recurrent meetings and activist gatherings as they were going through what I came to see as a personal, social, cultural and political metamorphosis. This painful process is a response to the renaissance of Hawaiian culture that sprouted in the 1960s and has been growing and flowering ever since. Hawaiians I have known seemed to move from their culturally innate aloha through hurt and rage to a mature life-choice to live aloha. That choice is the most important step they make in reclaiming Hawaiian culture and the most difficult.

What is amazingly sad is that, to this day, most of the world is still ignorant of the history of the Hawaiian Islands, the suffering of generations of Hawaiians, and their exemplary response to injustice. This is true in spite of the fact that people from all over the world enjoy Hawaiian vacations and come to live permanently in the Aloha State. I submit that even the following very inadequate thumbnail sketch is preferable to perpetuating that ignorance.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Gitalongs: THE FIVE GIFTS OF THANK YOU

1. I notice that you did or said something that pleased me and that brings me joy.  
2  I say “thank you” to you and that gives your kindness our shared recognition.  
3. You receive a portion of my joy. 
4. You experience the personal pleasure of having your gesture recognized.  
5. We share together a happy interaction that adds to the balance of positive human energy available at that moment on the planet and in the universe.
    Every expression of the “gratitude attitude” is a step toward world peace and mends a hole in the universal energy field. Saying "thank you"gives five gifts to the universe and, according to the ideals of all faiths, makes the gods of all peoples happy.

    The Five Gifts of Thank You by Abby Freeborn is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License. For permission to use contact randmxcentric@gmail.com

    Crusty Sayings: PEANUT BRITTLE

    With apologies to whomever may have said this before the source cited:
     
    Families are like peanut brittle; it takes a whole lot of sugar to hold all those nuts together.      Virginia A.Tracy

    Crusty Sayings collected by Abby Freeborn is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License. For permission to use or to correct a source contact randmxcentric@gmail.com

    Friday, November 18, 2011

    Gitalongs: YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR WAKE


    If your words, silence, action, or inaction purposely or inadvertently interfere with or hurt another, it is up to you to restore equilibrium as sincerely and quickly as possible, immediately taking the time required to do so – a quick apology for a bump, a full scale pick-up-dust-off for a knock-down. Defense and denial are wastes of time and pervert human interaction and harmony.

    You are Responsible for Your Wake by Abby Freeborn is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License. For Permission to use contact randmxcentric@gmail.com

    Monday, November 14, 2011

    Parenting: POOR PARENTING CAN TEACH GOOD PARENTING

    As I was growing up there was one thing my parents tried to practice with me that I vowed never to do to my kids. Raised by authoritarian parents themselves in the early 1900s, they felt entitled to immediate, unquestioning obedience “because I'm your mother,” or “Because I said so,” or “ No back-talk from you, young lady!”  When I was caught smoking at age 14, my chain-smoking father chastised me:”Do as I say, not as I do,” and he meant it. Hmmmm - what’s a kid learn from that?

    I have always had a strong need to understand and personalize what I am expected to do and why. This enables me to take full responsibility for my actions. I felt these parental pronouncements to be very disrespectful so they provoked more questions and usually led to arguments, sometimes punishments.

    Sunday, November 13, 2011

    The Kitchen Sink: CHRISTMAS 2011 - THE BIRTH OF A NEW TRADITION

    As Christmas commercialism bears down upon us, popping up from behind the displays of leftover Hallowe’en candy, this item is making the rounds on email. A friend sent it to me and didn’t know who wrote it. I found it again by Google Search at Post A Day 2011/ Wordpress Challenge.  Kudo’s to whomever wrote it and thanks for the sanity. I share it here as a thoughtful way to make Christmas giving in 2011 a more personal, relevant and American experience.  Just don’t forget: Thanks-giving comes first. Enjoy:

    Christmas 2011 - The Birth of a New Tradition

    NOTE: NO OFFENSE: you can Insert your Country for the same gift giving New 2011 Traditional Ideas

    As the holidays approach, the giant Asian factories are kicking into high gear to provide Americans with monstrous piles of cheaply produced goods — merchandise that has been produced at the expense of American labor. This year will be different. This year Americans will give the gift of genuine concern for other Americans. There is no longer an excuse that, at gift giving time, nothing can be found that is produced by American hands. Yes there is!

    Wednesday, November 9, 2011

    Poetry: GIVEN TO

    by Ruth Berbermeyer

    I never feel more given to
    than when you take from me –
    when you understand the joy I feel
    giving to you.

    And you know my giving isn’t done
    to put you in my debt,
    but because I want to live the love
    I feel for you.

    To receive with grace
    may be the greatest giving.
    There’s no way I can separate
    the two.

    When you give to me,
    I give you my receiving.
    When you take from me, I feel so
    given to.
    -
    Song “Given To” (1978) by Ruth Bebermeyer
    from the album, Given To.

    Gitalongs: THE WANTS/NEEDS GAME

    We become adults when we finally get it that, once we pubesce, there is no one on the planet whose job it is to meet our “emotional needs” except ourselves. In the first place, there are no such things as emotional “needs”--- “wants”  a-plenty, but no needs. A need is something we cannot remain alive without. The needs list is short: food, water, shelter from prolonged exposure to hostile elements, and sufficient warmth to maintain functional body temperature. We can live without any emotional interactions at all - as hermits and recluses demonstrate - and still enjoy emotions. The only emotion we actually need in order to survive is fear which, in appropriate doses, warns us of real or imagined danger.

    It’s okay to have emotional wants. Emotional experience enriches our lives. And it’s okay to ask for help from a friend if we're feeling stymied, lonely, or vulnerable, and want to connect on some emotional level. But when we try to control (expect, demand, and/or manipulate) others to meet our wants by insisting that our wants are needs we are being dishonest and childish - refusing, or somehow unable, to grow up. That is a recipe for frustration because, aside from the protective/instructive aspects of raising kids safely,  the only person one is entitled to control is oneself.  And that effort is challenge enough!

    The Wants/Needs Game by Abby Freeborn is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License. For permission to use contact randmxcentric@gmail.com

    Bread Crumbs: ALWAYS UP FOR A PARTY?

    I worked with a woman who seemed desperate to do a lot of nothing. Her family hired me to "keep her active." They were distressed that she was “giving up.”  When I visited, she was blandly disinterested in whatever I suggested. The house was always immaculate, the TV was always on - but the only thing she watched with interest was The Dog Whisperer.

    She was a different person when any of her family stopped by – animated and eager to please – agreeing with whatever they suggested. When they left, I would prompt her to follow their latest suggestion. “Not today,” she would say. “I’m too tired.” It quickly became clear to me that she had no intention of fulfilling her family’s desire for her to act younger than she felt. She only made that effort when they fulfilled her hunger for their company.