About Me: A MATTER OF MORELS

When I would explain to my 16 or 17 year old “children” something I thought they must do, or why I thought things “needed” to be done my way, my son would hear me out and then say, “Got it covered, Mom.” or “Don't worry, Mom, you raised me right, and now I get to decide this one.” or “Gotta trust your parenting, Mom.” When her turn came three years later, my daughter would say: “Mom, do I need to hear this?” or “I'm sorry you’re still having a problem on this, Mom, but I'm not worried about it, so you don't have to be either.” or “It’s just not my problem, Mom. Good luck working it out.”

I’d have been grounded for weeks had I addressed my parents in that manner! But my kids weren't being insolent. These things were said with quiet self-confidence and sincere, sometimes amused compassion and tolerance for the difficulty I was experiencing in letting go of my “parental entitlement” to meet their childhood “need for guidance." Wasn’t it my privilege and my responsibility to nurture them with advice? Mothering was a role I enjoyed and that I knew needed to be phased out at some point, but my kids were understandably more aware of the step by step process than I. They were usually gentle with me, but firm. We all knew I still had ultimate veto power but because they were responsible kids I seldom felt the need to use it.

Parenting: UNTYING APRON STRINGS

Instead of actually “cutting the apron strings,” my kids gently and firmly, even lovingly, helped me untie them. With love and good humor, they persistently peeled my single-parent mothering off their backs. For about three years each, they worked on developing new relationships with me. I did my best to reciprocate. Having insisted on and modeled mutual respect since small kid days, I was still able to put my foot down on occasions when I felt that the price of their bid for self-determination was too high, but only after very thorough discussions. If I regressed into intrusive “parental entitlements," they were sure to remind me that pulling rank was not how we did things..

One of our more difficult win-win solutions came the first year my daughter had her license. She wanted to drive some friends to a New Year’s Eve Party in my car. She was an excellent driver, a very responsible person, no highways would be involved, and she promised to have only two beers in the four hours she'd be there. I was concerned that she would be distracted by rowdy, drunken friends or hit by someone else on this night of drinking. I was scared silly for her safety and told her why. She heard and understood my concern and we worked on it together, both explicitly aware that my trust in her honesty and good judgement was the bedrock for her growing freedoms.

Poetry: GIFT

 

I would give you strength,

But you are too strong already.

Then let me give you of my weakness,

That you may rest a moment from your earnestness,

Lean against the walls you build, and play with river lights.

A poem written by my grandmother, Florence Mariah Piper Way to her husband, Charles Henry Way.

During the depression, my grandfather, an architect out of work, cleared his fields of boulders and rocks and built over a mile of mortarless rock walls around his fields and garden. I wonder if this poem was written in reference to his labors or his quiet reticence.

GIFT a poem by Florence Mariah Piper Way (1880-1952) is published by Abby Freeborn and licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License. For permission to use contact randmxcentric@gmail.com

Da Kine Stories: HAWAIIAN METAMORPHOSIS

During the 16 years I lived and worked in Hawai’i during the 1990s, I observed many of my Hawaiian friends, acquaintances, and people I met in recurrent meetings and activist gatherings as they were going through what I came to see as a personal, social, cultural and political metamorphosis. This painful process is a response to the renaissance of Hawaiian culture that sprouted in the 1960s and has been growing and flowering ever since. Hawaiians I have known seemed to move from their culturally innate aloha through hurt and rage to a mature life-choice to live aloha. That choice is the most important step they make in reclaiming Hawaiian culture and the most difficult.

What is amazingly sad is that, to this day, most of the world is still ignorant of the history of the Hawaiian Islands, the suffering of generations of Hawaiians, and their exemplary response to injustice. This is true in spite of the fact that people from all over the world enjoy Hawaiian vacations and come to live permanently in the Aloha State. I submit that even the following very inadequate thumbnail sketch is preferable to perpetuating that ignorance.

Bread Crumbs: HELP FROM OVER YONDER

I sat with my sister-in-law, a woman in her forties, as she succumbed to uterine cancer. During this final transition, I fussed about trying to help, washing her face, giving her sips of water or a bit of Popsicle to clear the taste each time her body purged. She suddenly stood up from her La-Z-Boy.  I rose to steady her but she barked at me impatiently, "Ab, you've got to let me go!" 
 
She rearranged herself in her chair and cried out, "HELP me!"  She wasn’t talking to me. Then she said "Okay" and paused with her eyes closed, “okay,” pause, “okay,” four times - each “okay” more calm, more determined than the last. And then she was gone. ‘Though her body still purged, I sensed the moment she left.

Wordage: FREELY BORN WORDS

Contributions Welcomed and Credited
Unless otherwise attributed, Freely Born Words are created by Abby Freeborn and licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported License. If you have a different source for any of the words listed below, please comment so proper acknowledgement  can be made.


E-dress or Edress  (e`dress)  - (n) contraction of "e-mail" and "address" designating a piece of internet contact information

‘Druthers (‘Dru`thers) - (n) contraction of “I’d rather” used to designate a preference (e.g., “We could come Tuesday or Wednesday. Let me know your ‘druthers.”)

Commercemas (Com`merce`mas) - (N) name of the modern quasi-religious commercial celebration that begins on November 1st each year in America engulfing the religious holy days of All Saint's Day and Christmas, the secular American holidays of Veterans Day and Thanksgiving, and the religious seasons of Hannukah and Advent

Gitalongs: THE FIVE GIFTS OF THANK YOU

1. I notice that you did or said something that pleased me and that brings me joy.  
2  I say “thank you” to you and that gives your kindness our shared recognition.  
3. You receive a portion of my joy. 
4. You experience the personal pleasure of having your gesture recognized.  
5. We share together a happy interaction that adds to the balance of positive human energy available at that moment on the planet and in the universe.

Every expression of the “gratitude attitude” is a step toward world peace and mends a hole in the universal energy field. Saying "thank you"gives five gifts to the universe and, according to the ideals of all faiths, makes the gods of all peoples happy.

The Five Gifts of Thank You by Abby Freeborn is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License. For permission to use contact randmxcentric@gmail.com