I'm not one to tear up - except when I see the Big Island through the window of a jet and know I'm almost home from self-imposed exile.
I'm not one to sob - except when I see pictures of my beloved Queen Lili`uokalani, hear her music, read her words, or touch her statue.
I'm not one to choke up - except when I look too long at the sailing charts, paintings, flags, pictures, lei, shells and beloved stones transplanted from my heart's home to an east coast altar.
I'm not one to panic - except when I'm fumbling with the internet to make my yearly reservations to fly home for Christmas.
I was home the first time I set foot on Hawaiian soil with a baby in my belly, lifted my eyes to the Ko`olau and felt the misty kiss of Hawaiian blessing. That was 1967.
I don't know how or when the Queen, Na Poe Hawai`i, and O`ahu took root in my na`au. Nor do I understand the wrenching power of that connection.
It feels like it was sometime before this birth - was I one who sent her news-wrapped flowers in her prison - one of the mourners at her death?
Is it perhaps because my great aunt was a nurse at Kalaupapa in 1910, or because in 1939, the year I was born, my uncle preached a sermon in a Quonset shed inaugurating St. John's-by-the-Sea Episcopal Mission in Kahalu`u?
In Ho`oponopono I learned that there's a Thurston way back down my line. O my beloved Lili`u, I beg your forgiveness if I was part of that!
I weep in pain and shame every time I think of what my people did to Lili`u and her people. Working for her Trust I was reminded and humbled every day.
I'm not one to groan, except when the engines roar and I am lifted away from the aina, once more to leave again those Honolulu City Lights.
No. I'm not one to cry, or tear up, or sob, or choke up, or weep, or groan - except, as now, when I think about my Hawai`i...my home...so near...so far...too far... but always my Hawai`i.
For Miles who sends me Hawai`i news and videos – from New York - and caused this musing.
August 24, 2009, Wilmington, NC.
Sob Story by Abby Freeborn is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License. For permission to use contact randmxcentric@gmail.com
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